Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
