just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
