This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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