In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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