Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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