i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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