i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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