I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
