Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
