I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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