I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
