if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
