Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
