I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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