Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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