I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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