I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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