Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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