this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is Oprah even human
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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