She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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