your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
