It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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