Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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