HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
