I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
