hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
