Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
