I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
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No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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