Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
