Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
