Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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