Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
