I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
