I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
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She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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