I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
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I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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