you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
