You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
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Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
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You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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