If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
