How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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