Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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