I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
