Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
