Im at strip club and am horny
Do you still have your period?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
