worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
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I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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