I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
