What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm like, not good at living.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
