I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
