I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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