Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
