Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
