A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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