i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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