Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
