Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
