i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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