Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize