I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
