this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
