Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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