listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
