It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
